A few days ago, I had the most horrible day. I couldn't stand my classes, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Yeah, a few days was the anniversary of my mom's death. My god, has it already been, what, 4 years? man, its still depressing. It seemed that all this crappy stuff always comes into packages.. late bills, school registration, stress, and oh yeah my mom's been gone for 4 years.
what does it feel like? it feels like a cannon ball that got bounced on my chest.. its too fast and painful to cry just yet, but goddamn, it hurts like hell.
I was mad for so long, not at her, but just at life in general. I was sad to see my dad so unhappy and depressed all the time. And I was mad that me, the momma's boy, had no mom anymore.
I'm so happy for my dad, and I hope he finds happiness in his new wife. I totally accept her and I hope she is happy and makes my dad happy.
I still cannot forget my mom though, its too hard to list every essence of her, but many who know me know all too well how great that woman was. I miss her alot, and sometimes I swear I feel her around me. I believe in my mom more than I believe in God sometimes, and i believe in my mom definately way more than I believe in an organized religion.. sorry if I seem angry, but, when things get taken away from you, things begin to look different. I wish my mom would be there when I meet the girl of my dreams, when my heart gets broken, when I don't know how to handle my kid, to spoil my kids, to yell at me to get my life together....
i still haven't cried about her since that fateful night.. is that bad? my dad said I was a stoic, that I did that to keep the family together.. maybe it worked, but at what cost? sometimes I feel like i'm at the fray, all these mind numbing daily events of life get to you after a while. I just hope my mom, or at least the thought of her will keep me going and not let petty bullshit stand in my way.
you know one thing I cannot stand? its when kids don't have any respect for their parents, especially their mother.. if only I could tell them that they are being total fucks for yelling at their mom, that its one of the greatest things in life to have a mother who cares for you... maybe one day I will.
in any case, let this be known to others... if you die tomorrow.. i hope you lived a life worth living... don't be obsessed too much with petty bullshit. focus on the important things, family, friends etc..
in any case, Mom, I miss you, I love you, see you when I get there
  ¶ 3/03/2002 08:40:00 PM