do you like the changes? i haven't sold my self on them yet, more changes may come. my counter is here to stay though..
studying has left me tired and numb, but the show must go on.. only a few more days till christmas..

i've been thinking alot about christmas, which leads to my mom, i miss her so much..
i remember some things distinctly
her sweet sticky rolls, her black and white flannel shirt she wore when it was cold, her sinatra christmas music, the filipino food that never got boring, her calimansi tree, the photo albums she so diligently tried to keep and update and how they are just collecting dust now..
her astrud gilberto cd ( i listen to it all the time now)
her perfume, they way she looked when she was mad, the way she looked when she was happy, the time she took me shopping so I wouldn't have to wear my thug clothes anymore... her nissan..
so many things I remember her by...
the only tears I shed over her on feb 23rd.. the way she looked so beautiful just laying there...
its gonna be the 4th Christmas without her, and still i feel this empty space, this space i tried to fill with other things (drugs, alcohol, girls)
and how that hole never got filled... nothing will ever fill it up like mom did, but hopefully, that girl will come around, and i won't depend on her to fill my emptiness, but hopefully, by helping the mptiness in her heart,, mine will be filled as well..
i write this, tired, and sad... i dont know why... but, I can't cry anymore because, I feel to vulnerable when I cry..
one of these days, that emptiness will be filled, not like before, but filled nonetheless  ¶ 12/11/2001 10:24:00 PM